What Have I to Give This Holiday?

Christmas is Emotional

The holiday season can carry a wide array of emotions ranging from joy and hopeful anticipation to grief and overwhelm. For some of you reading, this may be your first holiday as a newly married couple or your baby’s first Christmas. For others, you might be feeling that knot in your stomach as you imagine an empty seat at the table where your loved one sat or the desire to run from confrontation with a family member. We never fully know what someone is experiencing in their heart and home. Perhaps the co-worker who appears to have a tough exterior, is internally dreading their first holiday post-divorce or fearful of spending Christmas morning alone. 

Control What You Can Control

There can be several aspects of the holiday season that might evoke both joy and sorrow. Elements of the holidays can feel out of our control. For instance, we might not be able to change our budget or our loved ones’ heart towards us. When we feel that situations are out of our control, a sense of overwhelm can creep in and steal our joy. 

What if we shift our focus this holiday to elements that are in our control? For instance, we can choose joy despite circumstances. We can control our own responses in all communication.  

The Greatest Gift You Can Give

Perhaps the greatest gift we can offer this season is connection. Specifically practicing the skill of attunement in our interactions with others. Relational expert, John Gottman, defines attunement as the “entering into another’s world”.

Attunement takes intentionality and is a choice to be present with those we care about, as well as seek to empathize and validate their experience. For parents or any adult in a child’s life, attunement is especially important. Attunement communicates that in this moment you matter,  I see you,  and hear you. For a child, the secure presence of an attuned adult can make a significant impact in their life.

Give Your Presence 

Perhaps this Christmas the greatest gift we can give our loved ones is our presence. Specifically, our ATTUNED presence.  We cannot control life circumstances or how others respond. We might not be able to afford the perfect Hallmark holiday, but we can control how we show up and how we engage with others in our lives. 

While this holiday season might evoke hard moments, remember that you can be powerful in how YOU choose to respond. Give the gift of connection. Professor, Psychiatrist & Author Dan Siegel writes,

“Presence is the greatest gift we can give to another person”. 

This gift does not have a price, but reaps immeasurable results in our own lives and the lives of others. This post is an authentic challenge to myself this holiday season and I hope you will join me. Happy holidays!

Practical Ways to Practice Attunement:

• Make eye contact at all times.

• Engage in a child’s activity with them.

• Put other distractions aside and intentionally choose to be present.

• Communicate presence with your body language (turn towards the person, take their hand, etc.).

• Empathize

• Ask open-ended questions

• Validate others’ experiences

• Show the other person that you are seeking to understand and you want to engage with them.

• For children, free play with them and join them in creative endeavors such as art.

• Ask children for ideas, what they think, how they feel about something, etc.

Resources for this blog:

The Gottman Institute (https://www.gottman.com/blog/self-care-emotional-attunement/)

Dr. Sue Johnson: Attunement, Attachment and the Development of Emotionally Focused Therapy (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwXroEAMbOU)

The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples- By John Gottman 

The Power of Showing Up- By: Dr. Dan Siegel