Pandemics Aren't Paradise for Many Couples (but there's hope!)
This past year has been hard on marriage. This past year has been hard on relationships in general. Our routines have changed. We do not like change. Our world has shrunk – less people to see and places to go. Maybe you work and educate your kids from home, not to mention trying to keep them occupied! Sounds super fun and not stressful at all. You long for the day when you can simply go back to the office or meet a friend for coffee. Your typical coping skills are limited, and you feel trapped or stuck. Sound familiar?
I continue to see couples with similar stories. They say, “Things are just so different.” Yes, they are. It is okay to feel like your relationship is struggling in this season. And it is okay that you are not sure how to navigate through the changes you face. This is new territory. You may struggle personally with mental health issues such as anxiety or depression. This may have been part of your story with your partner all along. Now add COVID to the mix. Think about that for a minute. We need grace - not just for each other but for ourselves.
Where is the hope in all of this? It’s there. This season is giving us a chance to learn something we all need more of which is empathy. As I meet with couples, I hear the yearning for understanding – partners are seeking to be understood (not necessarily agreement). They want to feel unconditional acceptance from their partner – in other words, “He/she gets me and still loves me.”
If your relationship needs improvement, remember you have choices. If you are having difficulty relating to your partner or just feel stuck, try something new. Here are a few tips or skills to consider.
1. Less Fixing and More Listening
Some of us are wired for problem solving (guilty!) However, our partner is not always looking for this. I would argue he or she is mostly not looking for this. Say you had a difficult day at work – your phone was blowing up with requests and the kids continued to interrupt. When you share your feelings about the day with your partner, the response may sound like “Why didn’t you just redirect the kids and tell them you had to work?” While this sounds helpful to the partner giving advice, the reality is you may feel judged about your handling of the situation. What you really need is acknowledgement that your day was hard, and your feelings are valid. You want your partner to listen and understand, not fix the problem so that it goes away.
Try this next time your partner begins to complain or describe negative feelings about a situation (an external stressor): Gently say to your partner, “I want to make sure I understand what you need right now. Do you need to vent or are we problem solving?” This sets the tone for both the listener and the speaker. If you are the listener, you now know what your job is. And the speaker will feel heard and empowered to choose what he or she needs in that moment. More to come on listening skills in future blogs!
2. Start with “I” not “You” Statements
When you have an issue to share with your partner, start with “I” rather than “You”. This is particularly important when you share a complaint about the partner. If done properly, complaining is fine as is sharing negative feelings. Criticism is not.
Try using the following format for sharing concerns or issues: I feel (identify the emotion)….about (the issue)….I need (what do I need from my partner right now?). This is an intervention from Drs. John and Julie Gottman. The goal is to set a gentler tone and encourage couples to dialogue about problems more productively.
3. Self-Awareness
Are you healthy right now? If you are struggling individually it will have an impact on the marriage or relationship. If you are feeling frustrated with your partner, first look inward. Assess your own mental and physical wellbeing and be honest with yourself. From their book Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Les and Leslie Parrott share, “The marriage is only as healthy as the least healthy partner.” This is so true. How often in the past have you and your partner felt great at the same time? Take a moment and brainstorm ways you can improve your circumstances. This exercise is even better if you do it with your partner (just make sure he or she is focused on their own life not yours! 😊).
There is normalcy in having feelings of frustration in your relationship in this season. However, it is also okay to seek professional help when the problems in your marriage or relationship feel overwhelming. Remember, you always have choices - you just may need someone to help you identify them!
Take care.
Lynn Crider MA, LPCC