The Lost Art of Male Friendships: Why We Need It and Why It’s Hard to Keep
“I know I need more friends in my life, I just don’t know where to start.”
“Men suck at being friends.”
“Finding guys who want to be friends later in life is really hard.”
“I don’t have time to prioritize friendship with everything else in my life.”
Do any of these sound familiar? I hear them being said in my office every week. As men, we often hear about the value of friendship in passing—whether it's through movies, books, or even casual conversations. But when was the last time you really thought about the role male friendships play in your life? Maybe you’ve noticed the gap that comes when friends move away, get married, or focus on careers and family. And if you're like a lot of men, you might find it hard to form new friendships or keep the ones you have thriving.
It turns out, friendship isn’t just a nice-to-have. Research consistently shows that having close friends improves mental health, reduces stress, and even increases lifespan. But for many men, maintaining those relationships is easier said than done.
The Necessity of Male Friendship
Friendships offer emotional support, a sense of belonging, and often a necessary release from the pressures of life. Studies show that social connections, particularly friendships, play a crucial role in mental and emotional well-being. Men who have close friends are less likely to struggle with depression and anxiety and are better equipped to handle life’s challenges .
Male friendships also provide an important space to share life’s highs and lows in a way that’s different from romantic or family relationships. In fact, research from Harvard suggests that men with strong social ties experience fewer health risks as they age .
Yet, despite all these benefits, many men report feeling isolated or struggling to maintain meaningful friendships as they get older. Why is that?
Barriers to Male Friendships
Cultural Expectations: One of the biggest barriers is the cultural pressure to appear self-sufficient or independent. From a young age, many boys are taught to "tough it out" and handle emotions alone. This can lead to adulthood where vulnerability feels risky, especially with other men.
Time and Priorities: As men get older, life tends to get busier with careers, relationships, and family. Friendships often take a backseat, and before we know it, it’s been months or even years since we’ve connected with a close friend.
Fear of Rejection: The vulnerability required in developing close friendships can make many men hesitant. It feels risky to put yourself out there, especially if you’re unsure if the other person is equally interested in deepening the friendship.
Communication Styles: Many men prefer "side-by-side" activities like sports or video games rather than the more "face-to-face" communication that might help deepen a friendship. While these activities are great for bonding, they can also limit opportunities for more meaningful conversations that foster closeness .
Strategies for Building and Maintaining Friendships
So how do we break through these barriers and start building stronger friendships?
Make Time: This one sounds simple, but it's crucial. Friendships need time to develop and grow, just like any other relationship. If you’re feeling isolated, consider scheduling regular "friend time," whether it’s a monthly hangout, a standing game night, or even just a quick catch-up over coffee. Research shows that regular interaction is key to forming and sustaining close bonds .
Take Initiative: Many men hesitate to reach out, assuming their friends are too busy or uninterested. But taking the first step is often all it takes to jump-start a friendship. Send that text, make that call, or plan that get-together. Even if it feels awkward at first, it's the effort that counts.
Be Vulnerable: While it may feel uncomfortable, opening up is essential for creating real, lasting friendships. Start by sharing something small—whether it’s a recent challenge at work or an emotional win at home. Showing a little vulnerability can encourage your friend to do the same, creating a deeper connection over time.
Engage in Shared Activities: Doing something side-by-side can make it easier to open up emotionally. Whether it’s hiking, playing basketball, or working on a shared project, these activities create opportunities for deeper conversations without the pressure of a formal sit-down chat.
Cultivate Empathy: Empathy is often overlooked in male friendships, but it's critical for understanding each other's experiences. Listening without judgment, offering support, and validating your friend's feelings can go a long way in strengthening your bond. Studies suggest that practicing empathy deepens relationships and boosts emotional intelligence, both of which are essential for healthy friendships .
Nurture Existing Friendships: Don’t neglect the friendships you already have. Just like any relationship, they need attention and care. Reach out to old friends regularly, even if it’s just a quick message to check in. A study from the University of Kansas found that it takes about 200 hours to develop a close friendship, but maintaining that connection is equally important .
Male friendships are essential to our well-being, yet they can often feel elusive as we get older. Understanding the barriers and taking steps to overcome them can lead to a richer, more fulfilling life. By making time, taking initiative, and showing vulnerability, men can develop the kind of deep, meaningful friendships that support them through the ups and downs of life.
If you're finding it hard to maintain friendships, remember that you're not alone. Many men feel the same way. The important thing is to keep showing up—for yourself and for your friends.